Leighton's Birth Story: Part 2

Continuing on from part 1…I am switching to no longer addressing it to Leighton because well, I just started to and decided to go with it!

I had no idea what to expect as far as when Leighton would come, due to the fact that I was induced last time. Do I cook babies for a while? Or do my babies come on the earlier side? It was exciting to have no idea (well…exciting for a certain amount of time).

At around 36 weeks, I was sitting in a meeting at work and felt tightenings in my belly that were stronger than usual. They didn’t quite feel like contractions, but I doubted my ability to know what they were since I have only experienced Pitocin contractions which are umm pretty intense. I began timing them just to see if they were maybe strong Braxton-hicks, but they were coming at regular intervals. I finished up the meeting and headed home for the day, as I always did, but I texted Becca at that point because I was a little concerned. She was at the birth center and gave me a call with the midwives on speaker. We decided to have me drink 1-2 oz of wine while taking a bath to see if that calmed things down. A glass of wine and a bath?? Sign me up! It was hardly relaxing though, because I began to have some concerns about what was going on. Before calling the midwives I was just kind of ignoring what my body was doing, but since they were acting a little concerned (interested, is a better word, but in my mind I was thinking they were concerned), I started to think maybe I should be concerned! I got out of the bath and the contractions hadn’t stopped, so I headed to the birth center to be checked out. They took a look at everything and agreed that I was having some sort of contractions, but they were not productive. I very likely was not going into active labor. But, in order to birth at the birth center you have to be 37 weeks, and I was not quite there yet. Just to be safe they asked that I stop working (I was supposed to work until 38 weeks), and go on bedrest until I hit the 37 week mark. We had our babymoon scheduled for that weekend and I am so grateful they said I would be okay to go on that trip still. It was a trip for just Kyle, Maren, and I to soak up time as a family of three. I spent that week resting as much as possible, wrapping things up at work, and unfortunately began believing that maybe Leighton was coming very very soon.

Photos we took on our wonderful “Last Trip as a Family of Three”. Photos by Sarah Dawson Photography.

What happens for the next 4 weeks is basically just a continuous cycle of torture that I could not snap myself out of. I couldn’t believe I was being that pregnant person - the one that believed it was happening literally every night. One night I stayed up until 3am with extremely minor sensations but I could NOT go to sleep and ignore them because I was so afraid I would “miss” labor and wake up and be pushing out a baby. Hilarious, I know! Who can MISS labor?! But remember, I had never experienced labor starting organically before. I knew that it would usually start very gently, so the most minor sensations would cause me to go, “Hmm..is this it?” I really tried not to tell anyone when I suspected because I was so nervous about being the boy that cried wolf, but I will admit there were definitely a good handful of times I gave the “warning” to our doula and even our photographer, only for it to be nothing. I was spending my days bouncing on the ball, taking numerous labor tinctures (with the approval and supervision of my midwives), expressing colostrum…I really thought I would be early this time.

The insomnia that occurred in these weeks was also awful - the only thing that worked was 2oz wine + an epsom salt bath, and often I was doing this at 2 or 3 in the morning just crying, praying I would fall asleep!!

Oh you know, just bouncing on a ball and eating prego pizza because what else do you do at the end of the third trimester?

So much happened in these weeks - every. single. day. felt like a lifetime. I desperately searched for birth stories that described what I was going through, and it did bring me comfort to read stories of women going “late”. In fact, I remember it feeling very normal near the end for me to be past my due date. I knew that people often go well into 42 weeks and beyond. But what really, really got to me in my last 2 weeks was how limited I was physically. I was so tired of telling Maren no. SO tired of not being able to hold her. I couldn’t even bend down into her crib anymore, so Kyle always had to get her up and put her to bed. I sobbed almost daily, and would have a really intense meltdown every Friday as that was the day I hit a new “week” marker.

For those who like these details - I was being checked at least weekly. I should have abstained, but I was sooo certain that the prodromal labor would at least be helping my body make some progress towards labor. Nope! My cervix would not budge. Checks were um…more painful than anything I’ve experienced in my two births. My cervix was so high, they couldn’t find it. I was praying every time that it had moved down but it never did. So not only was I going through literal hell to get these checks, I wasn’t even getting any good news to make it worth it. It was devastating.

Ohhhhh look at me. This was after my chiro appt at 39 weeks where I swore labor was starting, and so did my chiropractor. I got all pumped up and excited and thought, “This is potentially the last picture of me with my belly.” HA! I had 2 weeks to go!

A few more details that I want to remember about this time…

36w: I went to an appt at Kaiser to get some paperwork and Leighton literally turned transverse when I got there. I don’t know if it’s because of the way I responded to Kaiser in the beginning of the pregnancy, and she could feel that “fight or flight” response being there again or what, but I could not believe it. Thank God, my chiropractor was able to move her back down and I wore a belt day and night the rest of the pregnancy to keep her in position. The problem in the last few weeks was that she would not engage in my pelvis! So, my cervix wasn’t getting the message to start moving and dilating, and she was floating around, not getting the message to stay head down. I was so freaking nervous.

39w: I started planning something daily with Kyle and Maren. We went to the zoo, new parks, on the hunt for gluten free donuts, shopping…I am so thankful we did that. It gave me something to focus on and look forward to daily, and I also now cherish those precious memories we had together as a family of 3. I will admit that by 40weeks and a few days I was no longer as excited by these plans. I was tired of spending money, tired of eating, tired of moving my body. The magic was wearing off and it was getting more and more frustrating.

40w4days: I had an INCREDIBLE prenatal massage/therapy session. Satisha is gifted in her ability to read bodies and energy, and she said some things to me in that session that left me with many things to process. I was really struggling with feeling like my body was failing at pregnancy, and I had to ask myself some hard questions about why I tied up my body’s morality in it’s choice of when to give birth. Satisha said to me in that appointment, “I do believe you will go soon.” Did I care? NOPE. I was like yeah you and everyone else!! But, I was also hopeful.

40w6days:

That morning, we woke up together to Maren talking in her crib, and I remember mumbling to Kyle, “I’m going to sleep in today, labor is soon.” I have no idea what possessed me to say that. Intuition? Or was that a desperate prayer? Who knows. I rolled over and got an extra hour or two of sleep. I went downstairs and could not get comfortable. My back was aching in a weird way…I thought maybe I had slept wrong. We got Maren ready for gymnastics and headed to her class. As I was sitting there watching, I was so annoyed with my back pain that I decided to take a moment to focus on it so that I could reassure myself it wasn’t contractions. Instead, I actually realized it did seem to be coming and going. I started timing the sensations, and they were pretty regular. Did I care? NOPE. I was in such deep denial and anger at this point that I was like, great, another fake out for Arielle!! I remember thinking, “Have fun, uterus. I’m not paying attention to your lies anymore!” We left the gym and when we got home, I felt an instinct to crawl around on the ground. I was thinking maybe she was in a weird position and that’s what was causing the pain, so maybe getting her off of my back might help? I caught Kyle snapping a pic of me doing this and he said he sent it to Becca, our doula/student midwife. I was like NO!! Do not TELL ANYONE! Haha! I was so tired of telling people anything, I legitimately thought I was about to be the boy who cried wolf again.

We went about the day, and my mood was just SO low. I was feeling very dark. I had my 41 week appointment scheduled for 3pm that day, and I wasn’t looking forward to it. I was thinking, great, another chance to get checked and show no progress. Another appointment I didn’t think I would make it to. On the way there, I cried in my car and I remember feeling like a shell of a human. I resented my body, and honestly I resented my baby. I no longer cared about my birth, which was alarming to me because of everything I had been through to ensure that I had a beautiful, healing birth this time. I hated that I no longer spoke to Leighton throughout the day, I no longer looked forward to her kicks…I was so disconnected. Immediately my midwife and student midwife could sense what was going on, and Marlene said to me, “What would you like us to do today?” I struggled with that so much, as I knew she was hinting at a “midwife induction” (castor oil). It was so important to me that I let my body go into labor naturally this time. Was I cheating if I took the castor oil?? However, I knew deep down if I had to go one more day feeling this low, I was not going to have the mental or physical capacity to have this labor I wanted. So, I agreed to do the midwife induction.

After agreeing, we decided to do another check to see where I was at to best decide the next course of action. This time, FOR THE FIRST TIME, I was at a 3!! I couldn’t believe it. The hardest work, of getting from a 1-3, was done. Holy cow. But I won’t lie. I was still pretty numb at this point. It wasn’t until Becca took me into the birthing room and said, you will meet your baby tonight, likely by 4am (which is insane because that’s when she was born), that I started to believe it was real. Turns out I really was already in labor. They reviewed the protocol which involved taking 2 different tinctures for a couple hours, eating dinner, then doing the castor oil milkshake. Although I likely would have gone into labor very soon since my body was already starting, I wanted to get a kick start. Once I started showing signs of the castor oil working (mamas you know what I’m referring to…) I was to call the birth center and head over.

The pic I sent my doula team to say, alright ladies, we are doin this!! There’s a whole story behind the castor oil milkshake but I will save those details for those that are actually interested in them…haha.

I drank the milkshake at 7:45pm. Around 9pm, Becca came over and helped us prepare the house to be a relaxing environment. She had me do some gentle exercises that encouraged opening, and we labored at home for about an hour. I hardly felt the contractions, and this part was just very relaxing. By 10:30pm we were heading to the birth center. When we arrived, Marlene checked me. I will NEVER forget her saying, “I officially declare you in labor.” AH! And, I was at 5!! HALF of the work was done, and I hadn’t felt a thing! It was a huge answer to prayer. I could not believe it. I was so ready and just giddy.

We spent the next couple of hours doing some frog walks in the lobby, as my contractions needed to lengthen out. I started to feel stronger contractions at this point, and needed to stop and lean on Kyle to breathe through them. But, I could also ignore them if I really wanted to.

You can tell I’m tired! But, this was my favorite part of this labor. I was laughing and having a good time.

At 1am, I decided to labor in the shower. Kyle sat on the outside of the shower and we played The Office trivia. It was so much fun. When a contraction came, I would use the shower head to spray water on my belly and as I breathed I would say, “These are powerful, not painful.” It helped a lot. The began to get the bath ready and I think I got in the bath by 2:30am.

The bath did not provide the “liquid epidural” relief that many women describe it as. It was nice, but once transition hit I was definitely nottttt feeling relief from anything. This was really hard for me. Maren’s labor was extremely difficult, but transition was short and pushing felt like the hugest relief. It was the opposite this time. Laboring was “the easiest thing I’ve ever done” - an actual quote from me at 1:30am (LOL at me, having no idea what I was about to go through). I think because of my expectations that this labor would be the same, it made transition/pushing even harder. Transition just kind of happened to me with Maren, whereas with Leighton it was LONG and something I had to actively participate in in order to keep my focus. (With pitocin, you are experiencing contractions that feel like transition contractions the entire time. So I didn’t know any different by the time it was actually transition). The contractions were absolutely double peaking, they were long, and they were waves that threatened to obliterate me. I remember asking Becca, “PLEASE, tell me this is transition??” I kept reminding myself that if it was, it was typically 1 hr long and I could totally do this.

Kyle was an incredible birth partner, sitting in uncomfortable positions and destroying his back to let me lean completely into him. I’m so thankful. Maddie, our other doula, was helping keep me cool with a nice moist rag, and grabbing my other hand to help me through the contractions. Both gave me a lot of encouragement.

Labor images by Kelsey Hope Photography…so thankful for her!

Around 3:00/3:30am, she was getting close. But something felt…off. I panicked. I remember just crying out, “I can’t do this. I don’t want to do this. Take this from me. I can’t.” I literally screamed to Leighton, “COME OUT. COME OUT NOW.” I couldn’t ground myself in the tub and so I was just kind of floating around, trying position after position, attempting to crawl out of my skin. I can’t explain how much I appreciated the energy in the room. Not a single other soul was panicked. There was a small group of us, 1 midwife, 2 doulas, our photographer, and Kyle…and gosh, I get weepy thinking about it…they would gently encourage me here and there but mostly they all just let me get my fears out. They let me process and panic and cry and want to give up, and they received it all with so much grace and compassion for me. Later I was embarrassed at how loud I was (I wasn’t verbal at all in Maren’s labor), but Marlene encouraged me that there’s something very biological and animalistic about feeling the need to call your babies out. I liked that. At some point during this part in the tub my water broke. That was the craziest sensation.

Now, back to the whole something feeling off thing. There was a reason that I was feeling like I actually couldn’t do it. Her coming down the birth canal was an INTENSE sensation. And then on top of that, I remember feeling that slight stretching and saying out loud “Oh, there’s the ring of fire. She’s coming.” Because of how intense it felt “below” (and I’m not trying to be vague, but it really was an all around intense feeling just everywhere around the lower part of my body, I couldn’t name it in the moment) I was not willing to push her. I was like, body, you’re gonna have to get her out because everything about this sensation makes me want to back away, not go forward. And um…my body sure did take over. Leighton SHOT out of me in less than 10 minutes of “pushing”. We have it on video and I love watching it because you can see Kyle and I just look down at the water and freeze haha! Becca says, “Grab your baby Arielle!” and I’m like, oh, yeah, that’s my baby right there!

Turns out, Miss Leighton decided to come out “military style”. So instead of her being in a position where the smallest part of her head comes out first, she was positioned so that her head was as large as it could possibly be as she emerged. She was literally pushing down against my butt as she came which was that incredibly intense sensation that I wanted to escape from. It made so much sense after the fact!

She arrived at 4:13am on April 30th, 8lbs 8oz and 20.5 inches. 41 weeks exactly.

I know it may not look like it, looks more like I’m dead inside which was a little bit true too, but what this face represents is 10,000 feelings in one. Relief. Disbelief. Shock. Amazement. Pride. Healing. She was here. I had another baby and she was here. And she was mine.